I don't know how to let you go
by REMUS IS DODGY
Summary: Just a short little ficlet I wrote about Remus and Minerva. Written in first person view from Remus about his affair with Minerva and her death. Just R&R!


**Author's Note:** I hope you enjoy this little ficlet I wrote. I didn't quite know where I was going with it when I wrote it, so hopefully it makes sense. And, as usual, please review! It makes me feel validated.

**Disclaimer:** Remus Lupin and Minerva McGonagall are not mine; neither is Hogwarts, Dumbledore, magic…ok, so maybe I don't actually own anything….yet…

**X X X X X X X X**

I'll always remember the way the sunlight looked that day. The way it fell across the piano as I played for her. The way the dust sparkled in the pale light. The way it made her hair shine as it fell loose down her back. But more so the way it faded as she died in my arms.

We both knew from the start that it would end, sooner then we hoped. But we were so starved for love that we both took the tentative step towards an affair. An affair that would change our lives forever. An affair that would turn lust into love and love into death.

**X  
**

It started on a cold Halloween night. I don't know if it was simply the joyous mood of the holiday, or the 4 bottles of fire whiskey I had, but I asked her to dance. She blushed and accepted; the two of us the only adults on the floor amidst the sea of students. At one point I caught the headmaster watching us, a soft smile playing at his thin lips. We danced until the music stopped, clapping wile smiling shyly at each other. She invited me over to her table for a drink; I graciously accepted. Eight fire whiskeys, two hurried excuses, and one rushed trip down the hallway later we were in an empty classroom. As I reached my climax, I yelled out here name, stars exploding before my closed eyes. Her damp hair smelled like rosewood as she kissed me gently. I was still shaking when she straightened her robes, touched my face, and left.

It continued for weeks like that, in empty classrooms, at lunch. Sometimes she would sneak into my room at night and we'd make love until the faint rays of the sun seeped through the windows. After awhile I noticed some of my shirts missing and I liked the thought of her sleeping in them when we were apart. I missed her warmth when she was gone and craved her touch until we were together again.

Even to this day, I don't know how or why it happened, so suddenly and subconsciously. As she fixed her hair and I straightened my robes after a quickie between classes, I just said it.

"I love you."

It hung in the air, her just looking at me with those deep eyes, my heart in her hand. Smiling suddenly, she reached out and touched my hair.

"I know."

And then she left.

**X **

I couldn't face her for weeks after that, the pain of her rejection tearing me apart. Whenever I would see her in the corridors, she would smile and I would hurry along, the sound of my heart breaking ringing in my ears.

She was standing over me when I awoke that night. She kissed me tenderly, crawling under the sheet with me. Apologizing over and over, she begged me to love her. She told me how she had been hurt in the past and was afraid to give her heart away again. I stroked her hair and told her that I would never leave her. Morning came too quickly, her leaving my room as it was filled with light.

Our love grew deeper as each day passed. It wasn't based on sex anymore, but more on the strong hurt that was beginning to heal. She told me of being used and abused. I told her of being ridiculed and rejected. And slowly we became one.

The day started out gloomy, torrents of rain pounding down on the castle. I awoke later to find her already gone. But as I hurried to my morning class, I couldn't shake the feeling that something was wrong. She didn't eat lunch that day, nor dinner. So that night I made the fateful trip to her living quarters.

Usually warm and cheerful, her room was cold and dark. The only light came from the high sunroof, the fading grey light giving the room an eerie glow. She was slumped on one of her plush couches, wrapped in a thick blanket. Her usually well-kept hair fell loose around her shoulders, her pale skin sallow and grey. Crouching down, I took one her hands in mine, surprised by the cold touch of her skin. My worried words were replied with empty eyes and bitter silence. As my pleas became increasingly angrier, she quietly spoke the words that would change everything.

"I'm dying."

We cried together, me holding her gently as her body shook with violent sobs and my silent tears soaked her hair. As morning slowly approached and she fell into a light sleep, I whispered a promised that I would never leave her. That she would always be with me.

Those next few days were like a dream. I drifted through my classes, barely noticing when I was teaching. I knew she would want me to go on as normal as possible, but everything seemed so trivial, so useless when she wasn't around. I didn't know how the headmaster was going to tell the students, but I didn't want to be there when he did, I couldn't be there. I couldn't let the students and even the other teachers see me cry. Because I knew I would, as I did every night as I held her.

**X  
**

I'll never forget that last day together. She had grown so weak with disease that she couldn't even leave her chambers. I would eventually spend all my time there after she was gone. IT was cold but sunny autumn day, the sun shone through the high windows. She lay on the emerald velvet spread that covered her bed and asked me to play for her. As the soft notes of the piano drifted about the room, I watched her drift in and out of sleep, her black hair contrasting with her washed out skin and muted lips. She sighed and opened her eyes, watching me hollowly, a single tear running down her cheek.

"Lay with me…"

And as she breathed her last breath, I cried. I cried for her. I cried for me. But most of all, I cried for the world, whom had just lost one of its only angels.

_Fin. _


End file.
